Growing up with violence
Domestic violence, sexual violence and stalking happen everywhere, including the Upper Valley. WISE advocates are here to listen and support you. We know that you can make your own decisions when you have information and support. You are the expert in your life.
Treating partner like a servant. Making all the decisions. Acting like the “master of the castle.” Defining partner roles.
Making light of abuse and not taking concerns seriously. Denying abuse. Shifting responsibility for abuse. Blaming partner for abuse.
Manipulating or forcing sex. Getting partner pregnant. Getting partner drunk or drugged to have sex.
Making or carrying out threats to hurt partner. Threatening to leave, commit suicide or report to police. Making partner drop charges. Making partner do illegal things.
Making partner afraid using looks, actions or gestures. Smashing things. Destroying property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.
Threatening to expose partner’s weaknesses or spread rumors. Telling malicious lies about partner.
Putting partner down. Making partner feel bad about herself/himself. Name calling. Making partner feel crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating partner. Making partner feel guilty.
Controlling what partner does, who partner sees or talks to, what partner reads, where partner goes. Limiting outside involvement. Using jealousy to justify actions.
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Both partners feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves and doing things. Arguments are nonviolent and productive. If one partner is hurt or mad (s)he still treats the other with respect.
Accept responsibility and acknowledge mistakes or harm caused. Admit to being wrong. Communicate openly and truthfully.
Make decisions about money together. Both partners benefit from financial decisions. The relationship does not interfere with one’s ability to work.
Make compromises equally. No one is expected to make compromises that inhibit their true self. Seek mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict together.
Support the other’s goals in life. Support positive growth and development as a person, together or apart. Encourage each other to exercise self-care and do things that make them happy.
Do not limit the other’s ability to live his/her life. Respect the right to his/her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions. Care about each other and do not intentionally hurt the other.
Listen without judgment. Be emotionally affirming, understanding, and value opinions. Value both partners’ time and individuality
Take care of each another and help manage life. Make decisions about the family and children together. The relationship makes life easier and more fun.
The individual is not the cause of his or her problem. With information and support, the individual can make the best decisions for generating a solution.
The process of empowerment enables one to gain power, authority and influence over oneself, within institutions or society. Empowerment can be the totality of the following or similar capabilities:
● Having decision-making power
● Having access to information and resources to make decisions aligned with personal goals and outcomes
● Having a range of options to make choices (not just yes/no, either/or)
● Having the ability to exercise assertiveness in collective decision making
● Trusting oneﾕs ability to affect change for oneself and in the world
● Having the ability to build skills for improving one's personal or group power
● Being active in a growth process and self-evolution that is never ending and self-initiated
● Increasing one's positive sense of self and overcoming stigma
● Increasing one's ability to identify things that are comfortable and those which violate a sense of self or boundaries
Empowerment is a multi-dimensional, social process of increasing the capacity of individuals or groups to make choices and to transform those choices into desired actions and outcomes. The process creates power to use those choices in oneﾕs own life, community and society, with individuals acting on issues that they define as important.
WISE works from the perspective that domestic and sexual violence is embedded within a social and historical context of oppression, and must be addressed comprehensively through education, advocacy, and empowerment. The services offered by WISE are designed to support empowerment by providing information, tools, resources, and opportunities, based on the goals and objectives defined by each survivor. WISE recognizes that the systems victims are involved in are often confusing and perpetuate social imbalances of power. The organizational mission and services of WISE are rooted in the principles of the empowerment model.
The empowerment model arose from the feminist movement of the 1970s, which understands domestic and sexual violence within a social, cultural and historical framework of inequality between the sexes. Domestic or sexual violence perpetrated by men against women, children or other men is a result of this systemic power imbalance that serves to keep men in power. Empowerment is based on the belief that everything possible should be done to restore power to victims through validation, community and celebration of their strengths. Other interventions may consider the victim disordered, as if she were maladaptive or contributing to the violence perpetrated on her. The empowerment model instead works to identify and challenge the external conditions of the individual’s life, to promote resilience in the face of adversity, and to make the victim the primary player in discussions and decisions about her future. This is based in a social justice mission to work with an individual around her unique situation, and simultaneously dismantle the circumstances which allow for violence to happen.
Because domestic and sexual violence often remove one’s ability to exercise control over one’s life, the first goals of crisis intervention in the empowerment model is to validate what has happened to the individual and make obvious the innate power, and survival strategies that the individual has developed to stay alive. The empowerment model recognizes that violence is never the fault of the victim, and WISE works with people to exercise the individual’s power by providing a safe, supportive space to brainstorm, experiment, and gather information without judgment. The empowerment model aligns with the desires and expectations from Feder’s meta-analysis . It has also been consistently validated by evaluations conducted with survivors using WISE services. Because the empowerment model directly responds to the root cause of violence being perpetrated as a social system in addition to the immediate needs and long term goals of survivors, it is the most effective model for our work.
While it is not uncommon to experience or be exposed to domestic and sexual violence, the violent behaviors you grew up with were not OK. The impacts of domestic and sexual violence are vast and varied. It can be especially challenging for people who grew up with the threat of violence and never felt safe to talk about the abuse. What happened to you when you were young was not your fault. You deserve the space to process your experiences and the opportunity to live a life free from violence.
Yoga at WISE is open to all women. The gentle classes are meant for relaxation. This is yoga for everyone: new to it, experienced, all bodies…just bring your body in comfy clothes and your breath. We have mats but feel free to bring one if you have a favorite. Please speak with an advocate if you are interested in doing yoga at WISE.
Gather to write as a means of discovering and exploring all the things that matter most to us. WISE Women Writing is a time to deepen our understanding of ourselves and others. This group is facilitated by Joni Cole. No previous writing experience is required. Please speak with an advocate if you are interested in the writing group at WISE.
Crafts with Sylvia, Tuesdays 12-2pm
Spend time with others and make fun crafts! You do not need any crafting experience or to think of yourself as creative to attend. Just show up, relax and have fun! Supplies are provided.
Walk with Friends, Fridays 10-11:30am
People interested in walking together can meet at WISE and head out for a walk around town. If you are interested in having a community to walk with, please join us.
Conversations for Change
Discussion, consciousness raising, planning for how we are going to change the world, and beyond...with tea and snacks. Join with us to end gender-based violence. Please speak with a WISE advocate if you would like to participate in Conversations for Change.
Help us end violence!
Bring us your best ideas and qualities!
We are pleased to announce that Welcoming All Nationalities Network (WANN) is now an official program of WISE.
Since 2011, WISE has been the fiscal sponsor of WANN. The fiscal sponsorship provided WANN the capacity to provide essential legal services to humanitarian immigrants in New Hampshire and Vermont, all of whom are victims of gender-based violence. In turn, WANN’s support for many of WISE’s immigrant clients strengthened the impact of WISE’s already powerful work. Over the last 7 years working together, we recognized an increasing need for sustainable support for immigrant survivors of gender-based violence in the Upper Valley. By incorporating WANN as a WISE program, we ensure that these humanitarian immigrants are supported.
Alongside WISE’s Crisis and Advocacy Program, Emergency Shelter and Supportive Housing Program, and Prevention and Education Program, WANN will continue to provide comprehensive services that offer immigrant survivors of gender-based violence an opportunity to improve their lives and the lives of those they love. We firmly believe that this migration of WANN to WISE empowers both organizations to live more fully into our shared vision to create a world of freedom, justice, equality, and dignity where all can thrive.
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Growing up with violence